Tuesday, March 24th, 2015...8:35 pm

Merely Herself

Jump to Comments

“She may pick up her pen and follow it with her hand as it moves across the paper; she may pick up her pen and find that she’s merely herself, a woman in a housecoat holding a pen, afraid and uncertain, only mildly competent, with no idea about where to begin or what to write.” –The Hours

I’m tired. The kind of tired when a word or a whine or a simple request for more water or a new napkin can make me tear up. I cry when I’m tired and I try to hold it back or hold it in, but sometimes I just can’t anymore.

Sometimes it’s been a week of sick sick kids. Of the flu when it was supposed to be spring break. It’s been a week of being mom in the hardest and best ways. Of nurturing and holding, of sleeping little and giving all I have to everyone but me.

I want to write but I don’t know what to say. It’s been too long to start up with ease. I don’t like to complain, to focus on what I wanted instead of what I got.

But that’s where my mind wants to go right now.

So I look.

I pay close attention to the cold of his hand on my neck as he tries to hold me in his bed with him just a bit longer. I notice it and give thanks that the clamminess and warmth of the fever is gone.

I feel the weight of her seven-year-old body as I hold her, both of us exhausted, and I give thanks that she’s seven and she still wants me to hold her. And I’m thankful I still can.

I hear his whisper in the hallway as he plays out the stories of his imagination with his new dinosaurs, Steg and Dine, as he flies them around and points them towards plants and prey. As he has them ride on cars and creates his own anachronism. And I laugh at my nerdy self that I even think of his games with fancy words.

I watch her push herself beyond her exhaustion on the soccer field. She’s as tired of feeling tired as I am. I watch her push herself forward, watch her try to grow into something new and maybe just a little bit scary. And I think about how I can make myself do that too.

Merely Herself

Linking up with Heather for Just Write.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Be Sociable, Share!

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge

  • Follow Me!

  • Subscribe via Email

    Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

  • Follow on Bloglovin
  • The Past…

  • Categories