Tuesday, January 20th, 2015...9:02 pm


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Somehow a few weeks ago I realized that my hotmail account that I refuse to give up is older than my oldest students. How could that happen, we all wondered? How am I that old? They insisted I look young, that there’s no way my first email account was established before they were born.

I still feel like I’m the 18 year old college student setting up email for the first time.

I have a 21 year old student teacher with me this semester. I realized suddenly last week that I am 15 years older than she is. That it’s somehow in this weird expanse of time been 15 years since I was in her shoes. I remember it so vividly still – the students I first taught, the amazing mentor I had, the way the desks were arranged in the classroom in the corner of the hallway.

I still feel like I am her – a young teacher still learning.

I have zits.

And I also have wrinkles.

I look in the mirror and I see both.

I’m having more trouble liking what I see lately. Age and youth, exhaustion and exhilaration all mixed together in a body still shifting almost four years after giving birth. I look in the mirror and I see clothes that don’t fit the same way and red splotches and bright eyes and deepening lines and polished fingernails and gray hairs and full lips and hips that aren’t the shape I’m used to.

I got a haircut yesterday, chopped six inches off my hair for a drastic change. I’d kept a secret pinterest board of short haircuts for almost a year now, thinking about shedding my long hair, making a change so I can begin to see myself again. This is my cycle – grow it long only to then cut it short.

I cut my hair and confronted my reflection, texted my friend that I wasn’t sure if I liked it. That I had a big forehead and a now clearer view of the blemishes adorning it.

We are our own worst critics, she reminded me.

“I want my hair to be wavy like yours,” Nora said, tonight. “You look so beautiful.”

I’m going to look in the mirror and try to let it be her voice I listen to and not mine.


Linking up with Heather for Just Write.


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