Tuesday, November 18th, 2014...8:54 pm

Retraining

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“No pleasure could equal, she thought, straightening the chairs, pushing in one book on the shelf, this having done with the triumphs of youth, lost herself in the process of living, to find it, with a shock of delight, as the sun rose, as the day sank.” — Mrs. Dalloway

I’m retraining myself.  I stopped making lunches at night and I hoped that I’d feel the pull towards words again, but instead I’m now making lunches in the morning and still avoiding words at night. I’m not avoiding any particular words, I just can’t pull them out as easily as I usually can.

It’s starting to feel a bit disconcerting.

Where have my words gone?

Words usually pour out of me. I usually narrate my life as if I’m living a story, seeing the world and all its detail as the setting and plot line of the way my own story is unfolding right before my eyes. But lately that narrator is taking a break. It’s replaced by less satisfying urges to play games on my phone and watch mindless TV. And sometimes binge read awesome young adult books.

But I do those things and I’m never quite as happy as I am when just the right words put a cap on the day that I’ve lived.

I’m trying to retrain myself. To notice the wind on my face and the way she holds her pencil. To memorize the silly things he says as he tries to grasp more and more language. To be patient for the story to settle in as he refuses each night to go to sleep. I’m trying to get back my writer’s lens, my inner narrative voice. I’m trying to think of the story that began long ago and ended tonight with her showing me the last sentence of the latest book she’s read.

There are stories all around me.

I just have somehow forgotten how to tell them.

A book I’m reading for school struck me last week. In it, the author, Randy Bomer, argues, “The ability to tune into your own thoughts – to listen inside and find out what you’re really thinking about – that is an academic literacy…And it’s another important skill to be able to compose new thoughts in words – not just to find out what you’re already thinking, but to make yourself think something new.”

So I’m practicing this skill right along with my students.

I’m tuning in and listening and recording and seeking to find that something new.

Thanks for sticking around while I search.

Retraining

 

Linking up with Heather for Just Write.

 

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2 Comments

  • I so, so get your writing frustrations/thrills.
    Your words are worth waiting for!
    (P.S. Wonderful picture of once and future writer.)

  • I feel your pain! I love your writing and will miss it as you stop-out for a while. I encourage your patience with the process, and with life at this point. The fun and virtual viewing of your life, and specially of your two precious children, have provided me and many with joy and a fresh understanding of life in 2014. But you are ONE BUSY woman….in time, it will happen again. The words will come, likely in a rush as they overflow in your heart and mind. Peace, dear niece!

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